Secret to Dealing with People: Appreciate Them More

Dale Carnegie said: “There is only one way to get anybody to do anything, and that is by making the other person want to do it”. There is simply no other way.

We resent people who try to force us into an action, and we resent ourselves if we cave under their pressure. Just think about it, what would be the best way to make YOU want to do something for me? Would it fit into one of the following?

  1. It was your idea to begin with
  2. Doing it for me would make YOU feel good about yourself
  3. Doing it for me would make YOU feel important and appreciated

That’s all there is to it. That’s the secret. You don’t need to learn how to be better at persuading people or pressuring them into bending to your will. You don’t need to twist anyone’s arm to get what you want. All you need is to learn how to make them feel valued, important and appreciated.

Just to be clear, this is not a form of manipulation. It’s not about coercing an unwilling person into doing something for you – people hate that and we want to stay away from it. What we want to do is to create such an environment that gives us the best shot at communicating directly with the core of the person. We want to get rid of all the mess that is clouding their judgement. We want to get involved in the purest form of communication with them. The type of communication that is between you and them – not between you and their biases, judgements, bad moods, irritability, low self esteem, everyday problems, their bad marriage, bad business move, anger, sadness and other distractions. We want to put them in their best state, so that they are open to what you have to say and receptive to giving new ideas a shot.

In order to do that, we need to get rid of all the filters that stand in the way of them hearing you. Sometimes, people will refuse you not because your idea is bad, but simply because they are in a bad mood. Have you ever found yourself waiting for “a good day” to speak with your boss? Now, realistically, did your boss’s mood had anything to do with how good or bad your idea was? Of course it didn’t – but how likely was it that their mood would dictate whether they accept or reject your idea? SO likely that you wouldn’t dare to approach them on a bad day.

How do you make sure that you have the best possible chance at speaking with the core of a person and not with their filters? Start by appreciating them. Genuinely appreciating their good qualities. The deepest desire in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. Mastering this is so crucial that the person who learns how to do it correctly will be able to communicate with just about anyone.

How do you get there? How do you help a person get in their best state? Here’s a hint coming from president Lincoln: Everybody likes a compliment.”

The desire to feel important makes people do incredible things. Start with yourself. What are you doing to feel important? Are you killing it at work, staying over time, working nights and weekends for that promotion? Are you a superstar mother devoting all your time and attention to your kids? What are some of the greatest things that this gnawing desire helped you achieve? Did it put you through school, got you that job, made you write that book, create the amazing family you now have? How you get your feeling of importance defines you. For some people it may mean buying designer clothes, sleeping at the most expensive hotel, and only going to places where a valet parks their car. Learn how the person you speak with satisfies their need to feel important and use it to connect with them.

Honest appreciation is key in every aspect of your life. It is so powerful that it can even save a marriage. People leave relationships if they don’t feel appreciated by their spouses, people cheat for that very same reason, too. If we go to such great lengths to get the feeling of importance, just imagine what an honest appreciation can do?

“The ability to arouse enthusiasm among people is the greatest asset one can posses and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.”

Charles Schwab

If you want to connect with a person, find a genuine reason to appreciate them. Do not fake it, everyone can see through that. Cheap flattery is not what we are looking for. Honest appreciation has to come from the heart. Stop thinking about yourself for a moment and think about the other person’s good qualities. Look for something you can genuinely appreciate in that person. I promise you there is an abundance of things you can find if you only focus on finding praise, not fault.

Remember this when you go through life. Give appreciation every day, not only when you need something. Appreciate your family, appreciate your partner or spouse, nourish their self-esteem and look how much better your relationships will become. There is so many neglected people around us. You never know how much a little act of appreciation may mean for the other person. You may even save a life. You may save a life and never know you did. Appreciate the store clerk, appreciate the person that hands you coffee in the morning, appreciate the cleaners at your building, appreciate the security guards at work, appreciate the person that talks to you in the elevator, appreciate your coworkers, heck – appreciate your boss (even when you don’t need anything!) Be the person who genuinely appreciates everyone and people will reciprocate.

Come on! Give it a try,


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